Confessions

It's time to come clean.  I have not been a faithful gastric bypass patient.  I am fortunate to not have had a lot of complications with my surgery.  I don't have a lot of trouble with carbs, sugar etc.  Some sugar does give me a stomachache for a little bit after I eat it, but for some reason it doesn't stop me from eating it.  I've eaten a PB sundae from Friendly's, M&M's, cookies and others.  Why, I ask myself?  I have forgotten why I did this in the first place.  I have been taking advantage of this gift I have been given.  I am taking it for granted.  I am not changing my behavior.  I am going through a stressful time right now, trying to loose weight, job searching and having a good friend move far away.  I am eating my emotions now more than ever.  I am being foolish.  I am so frustrated with myself. 

I need to focus.  I need strength.  I need to concentrate on me and my goals.  One thing I have learned throughout this entire journey is that willpower is everything.   You have to have the strength to stand up to your biggest critic and pressure....yourself.

Can I do this....?

Food Log...Fine I'll do it!

Oh, the dreaded food log.  Every trainer, doctor and fitness guru's go to item for weight loss success.  Every time I was told, "you must keep a food log, it helps", I was thinking, "how do you know skinny minnie" but what I said out loud was, "great, sounds like it will really work for me".  RIGHT!  How can tracking my food possibly help me lose weight?  I know what I am eating, I put it in my mouth for goodness sakes!  So, when I started this journey to me (for real this time, you've been reading my bog, I've been on this"journey" since birth), I started keep a food log and I was showing it to my trainer every week.  I can't even tell you how many times I thought about lying!  I didn't want Pam to know I ate an entire box of oreos by myself!  I am proud to say I never lied.  Sometimes I would try to trick her and write what I ate without the amount, but she would always ask.  "Yes Pam, I did eat 4 slices of Athens pizza and now I want to barf from jogging around the gym for 30 secs".  But I have to be honest.  It did help.  Yes I said it.  It helped.  I was able to actually track exactly how much I was eating, when I had to tendency to overeat or eat badly and what time of day was most difficult for me.  For example, New Years Eve.  I know, who diets on New Years Eve, but I had a goal to get to by January 8th,  so I made a plan.  I was only going to have 2 drinks (rum and DIET coke) and have a small bite of everything.  My best friend and her husband bought us tickets to go to a nice restaurant for the night.  Dinner, dancing (exercise right?!) and a toast at midnight.  Well...the food was amazing!  It was like a wedding.  We didn't do much dancing, because we were a little young for this age group.  I stuck to my plan.  When we got home I wrote down everything I ate and drank.  HOLY S%*T!  It wouldn't all fit on one page!  I pigged out!  Moral of the story...don't diet on new years eve.

Here I am 3 months post surgery.  The inches are working their way off, but the weight has been slow and a little discouraging.  I've decided to go back to logging my food.  I've done it 3 days so far and I can already tell the difference.  It does help.  It forces me to be more intentional about what I am eating.  I've learned that I will snack on not so healthy foods when I go too long without eating.  So, the fitness world wins.  I am pro-food log. You should try it.

I want to say a quick thank you to those reading my blog.  Family and Friends have been messaging me telling me how proud they are of me, motivating me and letting me know I am motivating them as well.  Please comment on any of my posts and share your story too!  We are on this journey together!  xoxo

Diet starts Monday

Ah, the silence of an empty building.  These are magical words for us folks in Residence Life.  However, this also means I have more time to spare.  More time to put me first.  I have to admit.  I've been naughty.  Giving into my sweet cravings, even though they upset my stomach.  Food is such an addiction. 

But, I need to focus.  I am reminded everyday of why I did this in the first place.  I want to be healthy and happy.  I want to have energy to do more things in life.  I want to have babies!  Yes, my body is getting smaller, but the pounds are coming off slow.  I don't want to stretch my pouch or go back to where I started.  So what do I need to do...yes, hire a personal chef, trainer and housekeeper...hahaha, I wish!  No, I need to make a plan and stick to it.  I need to put me first and stop saying, "diet starts Monday", because my life is now.

Small Victories

I know this post is coming to you a week late, but I hope you find motivation in it.  I can't remember exactly when it happened, but at some point in my late teens I stopped going to amusement parks.  Anytime friends or co-workers would ask me to go on rides, I'd say, sorry I get motion sickness.  Well, this isn't a total lie.  I did go deep sea fishing 2 summers ago and spent the entire time with my head over the side of the boat.  But...I love rides!  I was just afraid I wouldn't fit in the seats or the restraints wouldn't hold me and i would have to get off the ride embarrassed.  I was even embarrassed to try the practice seat at the entrance of the ride.  Hey everyone, look over here.  I'm too fat for this ride!  My self esteem couldn't handle the "what ifs". 

Well...last weekend my friend convinced me to go to six flags with some students.  (He knows my secret).  I was nervous, but ready to concur my fear (remember not of rides, of being too fat).    I made him promise to not judge me if I backed out.  The few days leading up to the trip I was excited.  I felt confident I lost enough weight to be able to ride.  On the bus ride down, I started to get nervous.  I began to think that maybe I wasn't small enough yet. I did gain 70 lbs in college.  So, we got to the park and I decided that whatever happened today, I was strong enough emotionally to handle it.  I worked hard to get where I am today and I wasn't going to let one roller coaster ride take that away from me.

We started small.  We went on the classic wooden coaster.  Seat belt fit and bar restraint was secure.  YES!  Next we went on the ride that shoots you up in the air and holds you there and drops you down.  I had room to spare in that seat.  YES!  Now it was time to try a big coaster.  I was feeling great.  We went to Superman and I tried the practice seat.  Seat belt didn't fit, but restrain did.  I decided to try it anyways.  We got in line and the entire time I was eying every seat belt to see if they had any give.  It looked like they did, so I was happy.  Our turn came and we sat in our seat.  Seat belt didn't fit.  Oh no.  I told myself in that second not to panic.  I just looked at my friend and said, "belt doesn't fit.  have fun!".  I just got off and waited by the side for him.  I was looking around to see if anyone was laughing at me or talking about me.  No one cared.  My anxiety was lessening.  When my friend got off the ride, he was asking me are you ok?  are you sure you're ok?   I thought about it and I was fine.  I laughed a little at myself.  I was fine!  Let's go to the next one.  I went on 4 other rides that day.  I felt like me. 

I felt normal.  I felt confident.  It was a great day.  I had reached one of my goals.  I'm ready for the next one.  I'm ready to live the life I want!

Travel

I couldn't wait to write this post!  Since having gastric bypass on February 14th, I've traveled twice.  I went to Phoenix in week 3 and Ohio this week.  What is the hardest part about traveling??  EATING!  Being on such a strict diet proved to be more difficult than I thought.  I brought my blender and protein with me, but I wasn't good about taking it.  This was the first time I experienced the dumping and slimming symptoms of my surgery.  The lesson I took away....always drink my protein, stay hydrated and only eat what I am supposed too (not chips and a burrito...oppps). 

When I traveled to Ohio two weeks later, I was back into my workout routine, drinking my water and protein and armed with the lessons I learned from Phoenix.  I will be honest, I didn't have my protein shake on Thursday.  I went to Ohio Wednesday and Thursday for a job interview.  I knew that I was going to have to eat out and choose my food wisely.  I always ate my protein first (eggs, chicken etc.) and I was ok with leaving food on my plate without the need to explain.   I took all my medications and all my water.   Don't be shocked when I say this, but I felt great.  My gosh, taking care of yourself really does make you feel good!

But...let me tell you the greatest thing about traveling.  Since I began my weight loss journey in August, I've lost a total of 66 pounds.  I used to be terrified of flying, because as any fat kid knows, the seats are not wide enough (nor are the aisles...I apologize to anyone who was brushed with my hips over the years) and I always needed a seat belt extender.  Nothing is more embarrassing than asking for that!  On top of that, the look of disgust in the persons eyes when you say, "oh hey, I'm your neighbor for this flight" (you don't mind if I practically sit on you do you??).  But this Ohio trip was different.  For the first time I could walk through the aisle with ease.  The seat was not digging into my hips and I didn't need a seat belt extender (and I wasn't half in my neighbors lap). As I was putting my head back and closing my eyes waiting for take off, I was overwhelmed with complete joy.  These are the reasons I want to get thin and healthy.  I don't need to be a super model or having guys tripping over me...I just want to experience everyday things without anxiety and fear of ridicule.

I am excited for the next experience of joy!  Stay Tuned!

Protein

Fine...I get it.  I need to get my protein in.  But it's hard!  I don't particularly like the taste of any of the shakes, i'd much rather eat crackers. But I will never reach my goal if I continue to behave this way.  I've only lost 4 lbs in the last three weeks.  I am going to a post-operative support group tonight, so I am excited to talk to folks who are going through the same thing as me right now and ask if they are experience the slow weight loss.  I am getting discouraged, but I know what I need to do.  I can't exercise because I get dizzy and lightheaded and I get dizzy and lightheaded because I don't get my protein in.  It is a vicious circle!  Enough is enough.  I need to be a better planner and stay the course!  I am hoping for some real motivation from tonight's meeting!  Let's do this!

I Choose...

-to always put myself first
-to be healthy and happy
-to exercise daily
-to live one day at a time
-to follow the surgeons plan
-to believe in myself
-to remember why I did this
-to eat healthy and nutritional food
-to be dedicated to the long term goal
-to believe I am beautiful

What do you choose?