Protein

Fine...I get it.  I need to get my protein in.  But it's hard!  I don't particularly like the taste of any of the shakes, i'd much rather eat crackers. But I will never reach my goal if I continue to behave this way.  I've only lost 4 lbs in the last three weeks.  I am going to a post-operative support group tonight, so I am excited to talk to folks who are going through the same thing as me right now and ask if they are experience the slow weight loss.  I am getting discouraged, but I know what I need to do.  I can't exercise because I get dizzy and lightheaded and I get dizzy and lightheaded because I don't get my protein in.  It is a vicious circle!  Enough is enough.  I need to be a better planner and stay the course!  I am hoping for some real motivation from tonight's meeting!  Let's do this!

I Choose...

-to always put myself first
-to be healthy and happy
-to exercise daily
-to live one day at a time
-to follow the surgeons plan
-to believe in myself
-to remember why I did this
-to eat healthy and nutritional food
-to be dedicated to the long term goal
-to believe I am beautiful

What do you choose?

Bored

Here is my random thought for today...even after weight loss surgery (WLS), you will still eat when you are bored.  People told me that this would still be the case, but with my "it won't happen to me attitude" I thought, ya right, not me.  It. Is. Me. Last night I ate half  sleeve of ritzs crackers.  Was I hungry?  NOPE. I have the inability to feel hunger, I was just bored.  What else do you want to do when you are watching criminal minds besides munch!  It happened again tonight.  I wasn't exactly bored, but the food was there and I wanted to eat it.   It started with pizza.  I was all like, "i'll only eat the cheese" and then I was all like "i'll just try a bite of the slice".  Well two pieces half eaten with all the cheese gone later, I feel ashamed.  The moral of this story....Its still hard.  It still takes will power.  This is a journey and I am not better yet.

Insanity

So, after finally making the decision to have gastric bypass surgery, the panic set in.  HOW IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO LOSE 8% OF MY BODY WEIGHT BEFORE SURGERY?  Let's be honest, the whole reason I am doing this is because I can't lose weight on my own!  Is this some kind of sick game!?  I had to take a cold hard look at where I was spending my money and what resources I had available to me to get it accomplished.  I have a gym membership paid for by my insurance company, so I thought...perfect, I'll just go to the gym.  Who was I kidding.  This did not work (SHOCKER)!  After a month of trying it on my own, I decided to hire a personal trainer.  I remember my first meeting with her.  I am not sure if I actually cried, or just held it in because I didn't want her to see how weak I was.  I was at a very low point during this meeting.  I felt like an ugly, fat and disgusting person.

She was so supportive!  I was frank with her and told her that I needed to see her 3X per week.  I almost had to sell my ovaries, but I needed to do it.  In the 3 months before my surgery, I lost 27 pounds and 29 inches working with my trainer.  She was so supportive, kind and challenged my body and mind.  So, what is the take away here....if you are looking to lose weight just remember the definition of insanity: doing the thing you've always done and expecting a different outcome.  A trainer is not for everyone, but do something different if you want different results!

The Decision

I am not going to lie...I thought about weight loss surgery many times.  In my early twenties I always told myself, "if you can't lose weight on your own before you are 30, you will do something drastic at 30".  In January of 2008 I went to my first information session about WLS.  I started the process and got all the way to April and the last step was loosing 5% of my body weight.  I tried and tried and just couldn't stay focused.  By August I stopped going to my appointments and gave up on the idea.  I wasn't ready I guess.  I felt like a failure.  I spent so much time and money on getting to doctors appointments to do this and I didn't have the will power to give it up.  For the next 3 years, my weight stayed about the same.  It would fluctuate 10 pounds up or down depending if I was dieting or not.

I turned 30 in January of 2011.  I had an amazing birthday with friends.  I was so excited to be 30!  The summer following my 30th birthday I was the worst summer weight loss wise.  I was eating whatever I wanted.  I decided that I was going to allow myself to eat whatever I wanted in hopes that if I restricted myself I wouldn't want the fatty salty food anymore.  WISHFUL THINKING!  Who was I kidding.  Did I really think that was going to work??!!  So, in August I decided to go to another informational meeting,  enough was enough.  I've been 30 for 6 months and I didn't want to live my life fat an alone.

Childhood

When I think back to my life and childhood thus far, I can't remember a time when I wasn't trying to lose weight.  I was always bigger than I should have been at any given time.   I recently cleaned out my grandparents attic and found my old diaries (boy were those fun to read!).  Almost every entry said something about wanting to lose weight or "diet starts Monday".   I can even remember trying out for basketball in middle school and being terrified of running in front of everyone and making sure I got to practice early so I could get the largest jersey size.   In gym class we had to run a mile, and I would always ask my teacher if I could do it after school so I wouldn't have to do it in front of everyone.   Everything in my life was carefully calculated to protect myself.   Every decision I made was thoroughly calculated in my head as to not expose myself to embarrassment.

When I turned 30, I finally realized I didn't want to live this way anymore.  This blog is my story.  My journey to me.